Daily Dose of Integrity I am from New Zealand and, for the longest time, I wondered why does New Zealand have this weird thing where anybody trying to stand out, do well, and have their own back, gets cut down to size, usually by the people closest to them, the people who should be supporting them? This is not unique to New Zealand. My theory is that what we're seeing is a type of herd behaviour. If you zoom out and you look at the human race as just being a herd of animals, a herd of mammals, you will notice that the outliers—people who stand out from the rest—are like those points on the graph that don't line up with the median line. They're a risk to the herd. They're the ones who create a risk of a coup—these are the ones who could take over leadership. They're the ones who challenge what is and represent a risk to the status quo—they might set a new trend and change things. They represent a risk—just in that they're different. All the cognitive biases that lead to stereotyping and racism are at play here as well: people have the same reaction to somebody who's different. We just think “Threat!”, straight away. To dive deeper into this topic, check out the original video here: https://youtu.be/v8xDJ2Cj7YA

Daily Dose of Integrity What's the cure to being a Nice Guy with an Avoidant attachment style? Well, there are a number of different approaches you can take, depending on how this manifests for you. One thing to do is to step back from the spotlight if you're the entertainer type. If you're the kind of a person who always tries to steal the glory, be the funniest one and put on a show—if you know that when you show up, it's show time—start quietening down a little bit. Let somebody else be the one who tells the jokes. Let somebody else be the one who impresses everybody. Let somebody else win. Just try to get comfortable with not impressing people. Get comfortable at not making people like you and be at peace when people keep you at the distance. Start being one of the crowd rather than the one on the stage. You know, for me, this meant to stop trying to be funny all the time. There are other things I was doing—I was also very impressive at work, and I'd play in a band, etc. But for me, the big one was to just stop telling jokes all the fucking time, like I'm Chandler from Friends. To dive deeper into this topic, check out the original video here: https://youtu.be/wgHnTq_JlRE

How many of the ideas for courageous decisions first come into the world disguised as a joke? A joke is a way of voicing a deep desire, before we’ve fully realised it. A joke is low stakes - no one expects you to follow through. It’s a way of subconsciously seeking feedback from others as your brain is quietly bubbling and wondering in the background. Perhaps it’s weak honesty, but it can also be a way of psyching ourselves up. Have you ever joked… “Maybe I should be a…” “Maybe I should tell them that…” “Maybe I should move to…” Ha ha… … and somewhere deep down you know it’s exactly what you would do if only you had the courage? I’ve noticed that I joke in this way, most recently here on Brojo. When I shared that I had just finished writing a book, in which honesty plays the hero, I joked that perhaps Dan and I could establish "Integrity Army Publishing". I didn’t make the connection at the time, but I later realised that behind the “joke”, which was positively received, my brain was busy deciding to start my own publishing label. I called myself out. Two days later I took the leap, established Thorndon Press, and claimed the role of Publisher. I have the required skills, but I still had to build a bridge over the fear of failure. I got to the other side by asking myself two questions: What idea thrills you and lights you up, but feels out of reach? What will you regret being too scared to try? Onward.

Perhaps this is more about my family dynamics growing up, but it seems to be tied into my people pleasing / good guy-isms: My wife started asking me to only tell her straight-on what I want from her or a situation. Apparently, without even realizing it, I keep asking indirectly or "caveating" an entire context before asking for something, as if I'm always afraid the answer will be scary or create problems or reveal who I actually am. (I do this with everyone.) I didn't think this was a big deal at first, but I'm still struggling to match my internal emotion/desire with a straightforward statement or question that is shed of all ambiguity. It feels like I'm learning to speak adult English for the first time. Identifying my internal emotion with a related statement somehow feels uncouth - or at least that's what I seem to have been justifying to myself internally for my entire life. Honest Question: Has anyone else noticed themselves using this type of sideways conversations or a general reluctance to simply state their truthful desire to others? Or does everyone already know this and I'm coming late to the party?

This is a picture of me during the most insecure time of my life... If you saw me like this, is that the assumption you'd come to?