Reclaiming my authenticity · KeepItReal Self-Discovery

Reclaiming my authenticity

Hello, my name is Steven. I’m 27 soon to be 28 in a few weeks. I am from CT. I’m thankful to have came across will’s youtube channel a few months back i feel like things aligned in perfect timing because i was drowning in YouTube videos looking for a solution to what i am going through. I had lost hope for a while feeling distraught but then I came across will’s youtube channel and now the KeepItReal community and I feel hopeful again I feel like will was speaking directly to me and i am glad I found him.

A vulnerable fact about me is that I have struggled with self identity since I was really young, I’ve had to learn how to abandon myself to fit into the mold my family of origin had already pre-made for me. I was never accepted for who I am and feel like my mother only had me to cater to her needs and fill the voids missing inside of her and live out her views and ideologies. if I dared to say enough of me playing this character and tried to stand up for who I am and my beliefs I’d be immediately shut down and made to believe like I’m wrong for trying to be myself outside of the image and role she had already set for me to play. I left her side when I was 15 to move in with my aunt hoping I can find myself I knew if I didn’t I’d be living a painful existence because I had to live under what somebody else expected of me. It took me over 10 years and little to no contact to finally feel grounded in myself and like I had regained a lot of lost aspects of me. 3 years ago my aunt convinced me to have her move in with me I doubted that decision because I know all she ever wanted was to feel a sense of control over me but I thought things would be different this time around since I’m an adult now but she was able to brake through all of my boundaries and my trauma of being that kid with no autonomy or sense of self kicked in. It’s been 2 years that I lost my job and have been stuck in the same house all of my traumas, fears and everything I didn’t want to happen came crashing down on me. I lost my sense of self and identity and feel like I’m stuck in a time period of my life when I was under her control and manipulations it’s been the most pain I’ve ever felt these last 2 years I’m about to be 28 soon and feel like she destroyed all my said of independence and adulthood I lost my job in March of 2023 and have been applying so that I can save enough to get my own place. It’s unbearable to live with someone that sees the pain they’re causing you but still think you’re wrong for feeling how you feel. This is a very vulnerable and long message I’ve been carrying this heaviness my entire life and I’m here because I’m hopeful I can break free from all of this once and for all. I’m tired and most days I feel like what’s even the point to keep going when I’m not living for me and who I see myself as. But I also know we’re not in this alone and I know there’s a lot of people that can relate to me I have hope that I can also help someone that’s going through a similar situation through my vulnerability. This is a KeepItReal community so I kept it real in hopes others feel safe enough to keep it real with themselves and to know that your story matters and can help someone going through the same things as you.

A fun fact about me is that all of the pain and confusion my family has caused me to make me believe I’m who they say I am and not who I really am has opened me up to look at life in a much deeper sense than most normally would.

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