May 10 in General discussion
So Jena and I got into a fight this week...
Shocking. I know. It turns out we're not perfect either.
Here's the crazy part.
It was about something so...so...small. 😣
Have you been there?
And while it's embarrassing that even after 18 years of being married we still get into small, dumb, fights. What I was proud of is how we were able to quickly pause, acknowledge that we were misunderstanding each other, take a breath, and then move on.
It reminded me of the power of a single PAUSE. ⏸️
⏸️ A short pause can help you recenter.
⏸️ A short pause can let your heart rate come down.
⏸️ A short pause can create clarity.
⏸️ A short pause can prevent you from saying something you'll regret.
Early on in my marriage, pausing was one of the HARDEST things to do.
Because I wanted to be RIGHT and I wanted to be HEARD. Not later, but NOW.
I have problems. I know.
⚡️ I've had to learn that being HEALTHY is far more important than being RIGHT. ⚡️
Oof, that's still hard for me at times. 🤦🏼♂️
But after 18 years of small and big fights, pausing has become a little more natural.
So here's my point:
- Give yourself grace if you struggle with this. Growth takes time. Don't compare how you are in year 1 of your marriage to how someone else is in year 20. Chances are that they still suck at some things even after 20 years. You'll show up better for your partner if you keep at it. Just get 1% better today than yesterday.
2. Give your partner grace. Maybe they are the ones who struggle to pause. Give them grace when they mess up. The healthiest couples know how to forgive the quickest. One day you'll probably need some grace from them too.
3. As a couple, agree together that either of you can hit the pause in a fight. Make a rule that, if one of you says "pause" you HAVE to pause whether you want to or not. I promise that pausing during a fight has never, ever, hurt a couple.
⏸️ Is pausing difficult for you?
⏸️ Have you and your couple found a healthy way to pause a fight before it spirals?
🗣️ Let me know in the comments!
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So Jena and I got into a fight this week...
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The Couples Collective is a marriage mentoring group to help couples win in their marriages.
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