Feeling trauma after someone said something to me that triggered it.

Jack Travers

Nov '23 in General discussion

Hey Guys!

It's Jack here. I am in the FB group and thought I would join here too!

I had an experience yesterday well and today and I'm not sure what to make of it.

I'll explain:

I grew up with a dad that was quite abusive I would say looking back.

Never would say anything positive.

Actively tried and tries to bring me down. "your useless" "not good enough" "lazy" etc.

He wants me to be exactly like him.

Intimidating person who has an explosive temper. Felt like I was always walking on eyeshells around him.

I was "not allowed" to express myself in his house. It was like talking and conversation was just not a thing.

I grew up shy and without a voice.

I felt and still feel I can't "have a personality" around him or I can't "just be me" it's like he wants me to "just be like him" and if I try to be me or something else he tries to pull me back in, put me down, make my life miserable.

I have been out of the house for 8 months now, I have been slowly changing but it is slow and I know I can never go back.

But I have noticed something. Ever since I was living in his house, I felt always under threat , my traps are tight, I feel on edge, I can't relax and I feel I might be attacked (at least my brain does.)

So In everyday life I felt on edge and I feel like I must "be tough" and "not show any weakness" because someone could come after me.

I'm not like this. I would say I am a gentle person when I want to be and from this experience with him I feel anxiety around new people or men in general.

Also a work colleague , well lets just say I don't really like the guy. He said something last night that triggered something within me like a trauma. "he said something which included the word "crazy".

Today I woke up feeling "off" and not myself, I felt "weak" and "fragile".

When I think of crazy, I think of my dad. And how I never want to be like him.

I don't know what this sensation is that I am feeling, maybe someone could help?

Jack

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