Jun 1 in General discussion
The gift of AND.
Something that I have learned and has been especially prominent particularly in these last two weeks is the beauty of the experience of AND, rather than OR. Life is a beautiful paradox, and it has been a wild ride these last couple of weeks. Emotional conflict does not really have to be conflict. I can feel what seems to be opposite emotions or needs or desires, without falling into any kind of confusion. This last two weeks my heart has been shattered AND full of love. I have been devastated AND full of the most intense gratitude for life I have ever experienced. I have laughed with tears of grief and laughter in the same moment. I am hurt AND I am WHOLE.
Two Sundays ago I had brunch with two of my favorite humans, Seth and Marshall. Seth and I went one way to do some target shooting. 45 minutes later, Marshall was hit on his motorcycle by a car that ran a red light. He died instantly. Seth got a message from Marshall’s mother shortly after and he put her on speaker as she hysterically delivered the news to us. We both sat there stunned.
Marshall was 23 years old. He got sober at age 20, and has been a HUGE impact on all who met him. I have seen a lot of death, both before sobriety and after. I have NEVER seen one life ripple through our community as I have witnessed these last two weeks. Marshall touched every human who had the gift of meeting him. He was everywhere, always involved in whatever way he could be of service to others. I was his unofficial Colorado mom, yet he inspired me and taught me more than I ever could have taught him about selflessness.
I am a trained death doula and conscious dying coach, and I do well with death as I am solid in my spiritual belief, but some death is harder than others. My heart is shattered AND I have immense gratitude for what I have witnessed and experienced since his death. One by one our friends stepped up to hold one another, to go door to door to deliver the news, to all gather together just hours later to cry and hold one another. It was this instantaneous electrical charge of grief (which is praise od what we love) and intention and the gathering of so many hearts into one solid collective energy field.
I knew my community was beautiful, but to witness it rise up around myself and the newcomers to sobriety was profound. What a gift Marshall gave us, to remind us how to live in the moment, to show up for one another, to allow us to see what it means to be loved and to witness people drop everything for what really matters. LOVE AND CONNECTION. Wednesday we threw the biggest celebration of life I have ever witnessed. It was a party. We made the paper. His mom and sister and dad flew out and allowed themselves to be embraced by this family that their son gifted all of us through the way he lived his life. He keeps giving to us even after death, his presence was everywhere (of course.)
Endings are always painful, but the experience of truly loving other humans, the gift of connection… the willingness to let go of that fear of being hurt and just BE in that moment with one another. I am in awe. I am carrying this into my daily life, to remember that this experience of being human is a gift of being able to feel and experience life in a physical form, and to remember that we only have now. I love life, even if I am stricken with grief. I love you Marshall, and my heart is even bigger and more open because I got to love you.
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The gift of AND.
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