@Kenzie Meyer congratulations on the progress u made. Definitely not easy u got my support on your decision. Glad to hear you are doing well.

9/16/2024 Retrospective entry: I have been dooms scrolling on YouTube more often. I didn’t watch “films” nor visit massage parlours which is great. However the urges have been there. I get these flashbacks. What I have done was research what certain massages are but in reality it goes back to some things. I am slowly looking for escape. I’m looking for comfort and pleasure. Massages for me made me feel calm, wanted and in sometimes exhilarated. It was novelty many times as I didn’t know what to expect each time. But slowly I came to find out each time I’d be getting desensitized and eventually fall into getting happy endings. Which I’m trying to avoid and why I came on here. The pain agents I have are , loneliness, stress from work and not getting enough sleep and rest/relaxation. Massages alleviated this for me. And the “films” I’d get such a dopamine rush but then I self torture myself with guilt. I recently paid off my credit card and have another one to go. In order to do that I overwork. Yesterday I at work I feel like I did something that displayed my fatigue. It was a great reminder to dial it back. I haven’t been to Yoga due to injury or done my physio exercises because I have been off at 6:30 pm. The last two days. Before I head down the down the slippery slope I think it’s time I become intentional with my time. I’m exhausted, spent. I think just dedicating my time to watching a specific thing rather than scrolling on YouTube will be better. Before my shift I can probably go walk, see if I can say hi to someone at the mall or grocer or coffee shop. Appreciate my wife in small time I’m at home. And refresh in these ways. My workplace currently is hectic, burn out around me, grumpiness from people. I don’t want to be that “guy” I want to demonstrate calmness through the storm. And go home in peace. I have done better too in realizing that my coworkers are not my friends. Don’t look for connection there. This has allowed me to not feel as much pain at work compared to prior weeks.

Good video

I’m not sure if this is regarding my sex drive or my frustration with my career and all the trauma I seen. But I am wondering why on my time off I feel so dam lazy. Lately frustrated too. I haven’t watched the “films” in days and looked at the massage websites in days. Should just sleep it off when I feel this tired and lazy feeling or go out and exercise. Sometimes that overwhelming too, and I opt for the walk outside.

#dandelions