Adrift... but still swimming
When I stumbled into Witality's website and saw its videos, I recalled a time when once many years ago in a movement class (acting training) I found myself experiencing something similar. It scared me then and it scared the room too... the sound of my pain felt like an howling wolf... I too was overwhelmed by it so I never wanted to investigate further... today at 55 and struggling existentially, I chose to knock on my pain, anger, traumas.... and yes... Saturday In Astoria... I knocked on all of those ... and I am still processing ... I know I only scratched the surface of a tip of an iceberg of a monumental size... and I am scared... but my struggle is tangible and even though it all feels unclimbable, unmovable, untouchable... I know I own it to myself to try... and so I am trying ... but I am still scared.. and I am still uncertain ... will I ever find peace? will I ever really fully outgrow all the traumas, all the pain,, all the anger... should I not move the stagnant water.. what if the stench paralyzing me even more... I am so insecure ... I feel vulnerable even writing this - I didn't feel I could connect with people in the room, I was on a corner near the door ready to escape if needed .. but I stayed .. before leaving I only shook Witaliji hand and left without talking to anyone ... and now I am here... silently talking so to speak .. and I will continue to walk this walk .. hopefully to .. another side.. some other side .. some other shore... I'll keep on swimming even though I feel adrift in open waters... I am sure others might be feeling similarly so I choose to share.. to feel a bit less lonely ...