I have no personal integrity... · School of Fitness

I have no personal integrity...

I have a thought to share with the group. I have struggled with personal integrity for the past 15 years or so. Let me explain. I am 37 years old. I have been a lifelong athlete and have always felt most alive when I moved my body. It was easy for me to play outside with friends from sun up to sun down. Pickup football with the neighbors, cul-de-sac hockey, creek walking, fort building. I was never accused of sitting still.

I went to college, like most teens, with little direction and a huge appetite for exploration. Halfway through my 4 years, I realized that I hadn't selected a major...mostly because I was more concerned with having fun and learning about life than thinking about...internships and career trajectory (barf). I listened to parental advice (rooted in fear and scarcity) and chose to major in accounting because it was safe with guaranteed employment upon graduation.

This led me down a path of inner turmoil. I finished my degree (barely and with low grades cuz I had no passion or inherent skill regarding Excel & accounting in general), but I said "no" to any and all opportunities in the field that came my way. Instead, I traveled the world and surfed...working gigs here and there to pay the bills (and completely ignored my student loans piling up).

I got married in 2016 and decided I should stop living like Peter Pan and accept my situation. I could no longer be "selfish" and ignore my financial responsibilities and a college degree that I wasn't crazy about. As Jordan Peterson would recommend...I chose the darkest part of my forest (a job in accounting and tackling my student loans) and dove in head first.

After floundering a bit, I secured a corporate tax accounting job. The job itself wasn't horrible, but I had to wear a disguise when going into the office everyday. I smiled to cover the numbness inside. I lied in my performance reviews about being fulfilled and wanting to advance my accounting career. I would do push-ups and pullups in the handicap bathroom stall to connect with my body. I would go on my lunch break and run for miles in order to feel alive. I had my own cubicle, so I wasn't so concerned about the sweat seeping through my button up shirt when my lunch break was over.

I felt like I was living a double life. Staring at a computer screen under florescent office lights. Researching tax code and resolving "diagnostic" errors in the tax software. Slamming 3 cups of coffee and grazing on doughnuts and cookies in the breakroom as my colleagues talked about sports, or the weather, or their weekend. My life felt like purgatory. I was doing something I didn't care about with people I couldn't relate to and was on a corporate, bland, cookie-cutter career trajectory that I actively distained.

I paid off my student loans ($90k) in just over 3 years. This gave me some room to breathe and think clearer. It was 2019 and I decided I couldn't keep living a lie. I completed my American Council of Exercise personal training certificate. I was finally going to show up for myself. To stop hiding and show my true colors. To live with integrity.

I walked into my bosses office in January of 2020, prepared to resign just before my 4th tax season ramped up. Before I could speak, my boss asks me if I had heard of the bat flu virus that was circulating around China...

One month later, my freshly minted ACE certification started collecting dust as every gym in the country closed their doors due to COVID.

I tucked my tail, extinguished my newly lit flame of purpose, and stayed in my accounting job for 2 more years.

My wife (who is from Japan) and I moved back to her hometown in 2021. The last 3 years have been filled with ups and downs. Getting laid off from my accounting job (going remote allowed me to bring my job with me overseas). Long bouts of unemployment. Experimenting with YouTube, working construction, language study. I found myself with so few employment options that I returned to the mind-numbing world of English teaching at the same company I had left 8 years prior.

All of this to say...I'm tired. Tired of complaining about a life that I'm not excited to live. Tired of ragging on a boss that "holds me down" or selling myself short in a job that barely pays the bills.

I have been hiding in plain sight. Wallowing in my discomfort and absolving myself of accountability as if I have no say over the direction of my professional life.

I have begun to share more. To lurk less. To get off the sidelines and participate. I have 2 choices...be seen or be ignored. Being in the public spotlight illuminates it all...the blemishes, the scars, the bedhead, the kale stuck in your teeth. I am learning to make friends with imperfection. To "fail"...and to share it. Growth that sticks comes through doing. Experimenting. Control is an illusion. And so is security.

Big changes loom for myself and my family. We move back to USA in July. We are expecting our first child in November. If I don't create a life I want to live, what message does that send to the next generation?

To live with integrity means to live outwardly in congruence with how you feel inside.

That is why I am here. To share. To participate. To experiment. To learn.

Thank you for the opportunity to get better. And cheers to the folks that read this whole damn thing 🙏💗

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