I have no personal integrity...
I have a thought to share with the group. I have struggled with personal integrity for the past 15 years or so. Let me explain. I am 37 years old. I have been a lifelong athlete and have always felt most alive when I moved my body. It was easy for me to play outside with friends from sun up to sun down. Pickup football with the neighbors, cul-de-sac hockey, creek walking, fort building. I was never accused of sitting still. I went to college, like most teens, with little direction and a huge appetite for exploration. Halfway through my 4 years, I realized that I hadn't selected a major...mostly because I was more concerned with having fun and learning about life than thinking about...internships and career trajectory (barf). I listened to parental advice (rooted in fear and scarcity) and chose to major in accounting because it was safe with guaranteed employment upon graduation. This led me down a path of inner turmoil. I finished my degree (barely and with low grades cuz I had no passion or inherent skill regarding Excel & accounting in general), but I said "no" to any and all opportunities in the field that came my way. Instead, I traveled the world and surfed...working gigs here and there to pay the bills (and completely ignored my student loans piling up). I got married in 2016 and decided I should stop living like Peter Pan and accept my situation. I could no longer be "selfish" and ignore my financial responsibilities and a college degree that I wasn't crazy about. As Jordan Peterson would recommend...I chose the darkest part of my forest (a job in accounting and tackling my student loans) and dove in head first. After floundering a bit, I secured a corporate tax accounting job. The job itself wasn't horrible, but I had to wear a disguise when going into the office everyday. I smiled to cover the numbness inside. I lied in my performance reviews about being fulfilled and wanting to advance my accounting career. I would do push-ups and pullups in the handicap bathroom stall to connect with my body. I would go on my lunch break and run for miles in order to feel alive. I had my own cubicle, so I wasn't so concerned about the sweat seeping through my button up shirt when my lunch break was over.