Hey anyone who found my original question that should have read "ear" not "eat".... le sigh, hate typing on phones 🙂 Anywho, i think I found the answer, and i know why it happens, for me, specifically in choir (hard eye roll). Here is the you tube video that connects the dots for me for anyone self-pedagoguing at home.

https://youtube.com/shorts/3HgOCfaUVC8?si=Hk2baIJXkHAbZsg7

I create most of what i think are barriers; i find that this is a very true statement. Money is a barrier, its true. There are faster ways and smoother roads, but not necessarily actually better. Sometimes the point is learning what there is to know along the way, doing the thing other people only speculate about so other people can see a possibility. It kinda sucks when your workshopped experimental piece ends up on Broadway and you didn't go with it, maybe? Having found myself a million times in some kind of quasi-experimental group (there is not a brain bleach aciduous enough to clear the phrase "building the plane as we fly it" on my internal auto loop.... le sigh), I now feel like my reasons were never the glits and glitter. My why was always just to be part of the story, and in retrospect to see that the path may have been a little easier because of my bullheadedness. I'm not going to stop buying the my mega millions tickets once a week, but dang it when I hit (or you hit, it doesn't really matter), I'm going to have the structures and world i want to actively under construction. I really do like this plane we seem to be building.

@Linda Donnell I cannot tell you how much your response resonates with me.