why is it so hard to change · Don't Waste Your Precious Life

why is it so hard to change

its been a couple of days since i did the group session with trinley

i realized maybe the thing im pursuing isnt really what i want so i spent a couple of days exploring that

and i figured even if it wasnt what i wanted, it still doesnt explain why i waste the entire day on doing nothing but scrolling and distracting myself

i even made a pledge to myself that im free to do whatever i want to do , i just dont want that feeling of dread and distraction , i dont want to feel like i wasted the entire day, in my eyes even spending the day on video games is still a level up for me because i already spend the entire day literally just sitting in front of the computer watching stupid shit or reading stupid shit

i know this isnt the case because i wasnt like this when i was a teenager for some reason , i always had something interesting to do

yet now as an adult, i have nothing , and i dont know why

i see other people , online and in real life, doing the things i want to be doing so effortlessly, and i almost cry

how come they dont battle with themselves

how come they do it so easily

how come they have what i dont have

how come they are living the life i disparately want yet i cant reach

whenever i see students for instance posting cool projects theyre doing or someone irl doing something cool not even related to studies my heart just pounces

i know that at some level this is atleast partly what i want ,

yet its so beyond my reach like i can never bridge the gap

are they simply smarter than me? or somehow non broken like i am ? or something else going on?

when can i finally be free to be me , to do what i want , to do what i say i wanna do

its been years and the ache have only grown

i dont understand why is it so impossible to change

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