the biggest idea ive realized during this process was how wrong i was to classify my procrastination, i used to think of it as an entity that possess me or a state of being that comes unto me as a curse and overrides my desires and will i used to think that if i could get rid of the procrastination then i can finally do all the things i (allegedly) wanted to do but , think about it for a second, who is it that generating the procrastination? no one is coming over and telling me to not do the thing, i have no restraining order against the thing, i have no physical or mental impairment preventing me from doing the thing (i say this while being grateful). the procrastination is generated entirely by, surprise surprise, me! who else can generate it but me? and so when what you realize is that the thing thats happening here is a conflict of interest, there are parts of you that want competing things and that's whats fundamentally driving the conflict. Ironically, our response to the conflict is what generates further generation because when you deal with procrastination you instantly default to running away from it, you think its not your own so you dont bother to address it or, worse, you go online and 99% of advice out there is to completely squash the procrastination and fight it tooth and nail.Anyone who has been a human for more than a day will tell you how completely foolish and futile to go against your system. Recognize, you are a sovereign , free (allegedly) , agent, an individual with will and desire and wants and needs. Once you begin to realize this, you will understand that either you do the thing, or you dont and do something else. There is no more "procrastination" because you understand you always have control over what to do.

about a week ago ive hoped with trinley on the coaching group call we explored the mechanisms of my motivation we reached to a point where i theoretically dropped my desires of getting a degree, i instantly felt a tremendous relief , but it was too hard for me to fully let go , the call ended , and i continued to chew on the idea. the truth is , i wasnt ready to fully accept that maybe ive picked the wrong major and ive been fighting myself for nothing all this time, fighting up stream. i had a mini breakdown two days ago (which i promptly shared here lol) and i was genuinely feeling awful, thoughts began racing in my head and a sort of an inner civil war i cant really describe in words. this went on for a while until i went on an hour walk to clear my head (my body was so tense and agitated i couldnt stand still) then when i returned , it finally hit me. i opened the computer and i somehow had the idea to just check out the different majors i can take, i ended up on cognitive science and as i read the courses, in an instant, a flashing jolt, i realized that this was the major for me and i felt a giant elephant just getting off my chest i felt the greatest sense of relief and euphoria and ease ive felt in years like i can finally breathe again, like i can finally end the civil war i cannot emphasis this enough, but there may be parts you keep in the closet that are aching to come out, when i acknowledged this part , i felt focused, committed , motivated and clear headed and most importantly, i felt at peace. ironically when that happened, i actually did the thing i was procrastinating on doing for a couple of days lol. i felt a sense of alignment i havent felt in a long time i may or may not switch my majors, but it doesnt matter at this point, what matters is that ive acknowledged this desire within me and i can take it into account, even if i end up dropping out all together or even going for like an art degree or whatever atleast all the hands are now on deck.

this is a part two of my prev post i heavily dislike the behaviorism type of changework (atomic habits is the king of this topic) where you merely optimize your environment, block out all distractions and make work "easier" by having it ready before hand and somehow this will help you change overtime. The idea is the mind is a muscle and the more you train it the better it gets but this model fails drastically how often do you go on streaks where you quit or do something, only to horrifically fall off the wagon how many stories of alcoholics you hear that have been abstinent for literal years only to fall off in one big bender that completely destroys all the progress theyve made on the contrast, there are people who instantly change, they instantly change careers, quit smoking, do amazing things instantly, with no real drawback or regression what gives?

its been a couple of days since i did the group session with trinley i realized maybe the thing im pursuing isnt really what i want so i spent a couple of days exploring that and i figured even if it wasnt what i wanted, it still doesnt explain why i waste the entire day on doing nothing but scrolling and distracting myself i even made a pledge to myself that im free to do whatever i want to do , i just dont want that feeling of dread and distraction , i dont want to feel like i wasted the entire day, in my eyes even spending the day on video games is still a level up for me because i already spend the entire day literally just sitting in front of the computer watching stupid shit or reading stupid shit i know this isnt the case because i wasnt like this when i was a teenager for some reason , i always had something interesting to do yet now as an adult, i have nothing , and i dont know why i see other people , online and in real life, doing the things i want to be doing so effortlessly, and i almost cry how come they dont battle with themselves how come they do it so easily how come they have what i dont have how come they are living the life i disparately want yet i cant reach whenever i see students for instance posting cool projects theyre doing or someone irl doing something cool not even related to studies my heart just pounces i know that at some level this is atleast partly what i want , yet its so beyond my reach like i can never bridge the gap are they simply smarter than me? or somehow non broken like i am ? or something else going on? when can i finally be free to be me , to do what i want , to do what i say i wanna do its been years and the ache have only grown i dont understand why is it so impossible to change

imagine having an assignment due soon you feel the murk of having to start you feel the weight pull your body down you feel your head heavy you feel the "blegh" feeling like you're chained to your chair and you're making no progress so what do i do? "i know! there must be something wrong! therefore i will cure myself then get to the thing i wanna do!" what a genius insight!! seems logical! ill deal with it once and never have to deal with it ever again! so the journey begins. I comb through hundreds of articles, hundreds of youtube videos, different modalities, different theories, esoteric ideas, twitter users with anime pfps and 20 followers, and god forbid, you stumble across books you have to read. "i need to heal myself so i have to invest the time in this book. the thing i wanted to do in the first place will have to wait" and there i go, the day or week or month is wasted in research mode, that i forget what the hell i wanted to do in the first place. one day, it hit me : "wait a minute, all this research i did... was actually equivalent of the work i had to do on the assignment. what the hell? why didnt i just do the work in the first place and spared myself the trouble.. wait what if there's nothing wrong with me? what if i have all the tools available and i just need to access them?" then if i already possess all the tools i need, what if i don't need to heal anything ? and instead just reassess the situation? the truth is in my experience is that no matter how you slice and dice it, we are all just avoiding resistance , it is the real enemy (even though matt doesnt like this frame) , your reaction to the resistance is what's propelling you away. no more. sit with it and address it with the techniques matt overlies, and forget the theory. unless you want to be a coach yourself, delving in the theory is just more distraction. talk to yourself for once, you may be surprised :)