I'm writing for Bennington Essay contest, nonfiction. Can any people(good at writing) please take a look and give me some feedbacks?

Hello! My name is Erin, and I'm part of Passion for Science, an initiative dedicated to empowering and encouraging more young girls and women into STEM! We conduct interviews with women in STEM and introduce role models (prominent & historical). We are currently looking for: 💡Women Talk 📍Emailing & Interview* [Women Talk] ➡️ Researches and writes emails to women in stem (ex: Professor ABC in ABC University) ➡️ Interviews professors who replied with given set of questions 📕 Ortus Magazine 📍Article Writers ➡️ Writes articles about women in stem & role models (example) *= Interview with founder --- This will be a powerful opportunity to not only high school students but also for those in middle school who are wishing to contribute in this timely and important endeavour🌟! We truly believe in the power of dreams and the importance of providing support to help those dreams become reality. PS: We have already interviews people from the UK, and have interviews planned/got replies from professors in Georgetown, Boston University, USC, WASHU, and more!

It's September, and I just want to check in to see if everyone is doing well both academically, physically, and mentally!

Korea is known for its K-pop, dramas, and movies. Though I am thankful that many people think positively of the country I live in, I came to realize that people don't know how much 'education' is torturing students in Korea. < Hagwons> Heard of 'Hagwons'? They are specialized, private for-profit institutes that students go after school, and students stay in there for time ranging from 50 minutes to 6 hours. There are about 89000 hagwons in Korea, and most likely you will see them everywhere beside residential homes. Basically, hagwon is a mini school. But the things that students are taught go beyond what public schools teach; for example, there are many many middle schoolers who finished the highschool curriculum, all thanks to hagwons. At first glance, hagwons might not look bad. But please read on. Those who are sent to hagwons were probably forced by his/her parent. From the students I have met, all of them hated going to hagwons. But their parents forced them anyways. Even if you are passionate about learning, you probably won't want to go to hagwons. A highschoool student's schedule might look like this: after school, go to english, math, Korean literature, and Science hagwon, go home, do hagwon and school hw until 2AM, sleep for less than 4 hours. Nobody, nobody likes this... But the students have to adapt to this forcing, creativeless education. <Parent & Education> Hagwons are so normalized in Korea, most parents send their child to at least one hagwon. They think that it for their children to send them to hagwons. I would say many parents in Korea, and other Asian countries have a tendency to be jealous; they have hightened awarness about others. This is actually proven in a study; 10 Korean and American parents were scanned by FMRI. They were to engage in a small game, where either, they were given points or the other player lost points. For Korean parents, their reward part of the brain was activated when the other lost points. For the American parents, they felt rewarded when they themselves got more points. So basically, Korean parents feel better when Others suffer, get sad when Others are praised. This is very much shown in how parents treat their child; they see them as mere products to show off, a mean of comparison rather than someone to love. I mean parents do love their child, but their jealousy takes control of them time to time.

What are some of the weirdest clubs at your schools? For me, there's an UFO/ conspiracy theory club.