I've recently become aware that I exhibit highly narcissistic traits, mostly of the covert type. I've engaged in unconscious reactive abuse toward my girlfriend, have completely neglected her needs and desires, and have basically detonated my relationship with her. I've focused too much on my own crap and not paid any attention to what she is metaphorically screaming in my face about what she wants out of the relationship. It's all been about me me me, and how I'm a victim of my past. To the point where she says she's done with me completely. There's a channel on YouTube called The Nameless Narcissist (https://www.youtube.com/c/thenamelessnarcissist) and some of his videos scare the shit out of me because they describe my own life almost to a T. The lack of empathy (At least until a year or two ago), the inability to relate to people, feeling like a total failure, and more. And I take that out on my girlfriend by projection, blame shifting, and deflection. I've accused her of everything I do. I've blamed her for making me feel like a failure. I broke up with her because I felt like I could never be good enough and then begged to stay with her four days later. I have massive commitment issues, fearing that I'll lose myself to the relationship and not get what I want. If I even know what I want, which changes from minute to minute. I literally do not know how to properly listen to her and have it stick, and have extreme trouble remembering conversations, even conversations that happen twenty minutes before. I've tried bringing up conversations I just had with her right before my session with my psychologist and cannot remember the exact order of events, content, and sometimes how they made me feel. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be a bad boyfriend, or a bad person in general. I do feel like I'm a generally empathetic person and care about other people, and want to give my girlfriend all the love she never got as a child. I want her to stay with me, but when I think about why the main reasons are 1) I want to just hug and hold her even though she hates hugs, and 2) She's the only person who really knows who I am. Not even my mother or my brother or my late father know who I really am. I only really recently kind of saw myself for who I am, a scared and angry inner teenager pissed off that no one wants to know him or love him and a terrified little boy scared to do or say anything because he'll be judged and criticized and yelled at for not being a Perfect Little Boy for Mommy. When I think about why I'm trying to salvage the relationship it always goes back to I don't want to be a complete failure and abusive boyfriend, and I want to prove that I'm a good man who loves and cares about his lady.

Does anyone else have trouble "finding" the exact place and time in our lives when we first felt something? Not my first time through meditation or hypnosis

So I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago, after a over a year of conventional dialog therapy with a psychologist and trying to figure out if I was the asshole or if I was actually dealing with an abusive girlfriend. I'd been wanting to break up for a long time, but never had the cajones to actually do it. When I was actually able to do it I broke down completely, feeling like a total asshole, and a few days afterward tried to get back with her. Whenever she asked me a question that I wanted to answer honestly my body froze up completely, and I started tensing up and fight my brain on actually saying something. I wanted to speak my thoughts and feelings, but my body would not let me at all. After we got off the phone I immediately went and did a trauma clearing audio because I knew the feelings were at a high intensity. When I got into the identifying portion I went back to being three years old and my mom is screaming at me. She won't stop screaming at me. I'm three years old and don't even understand what she's screaming about, or if this is even a real memory, but I'm curled up into a ball terrified out of my three year old mind. In the real world forty year old me is bawling his eyes out on the floor, furious and screaming back at his mom for being so horrible to a defenseless little kid. I hadn't cried that much in probably five years, maybe ten. I had to pause the recording for ten minutes just to process the whole thing because I was blubbering snotty teary mess. I was able to go back in and send it all away in the tornado, and produce a protective force field, and immediately after the recording ended I passed out in exhaustion on my sleeping pad I had setup on the floor for the session. Woke up two hours later and went to bed. The next morning I felt like I had been released from prison. I was happy and excited about the day, and looking forward to collecting my thoughts on my relationship with my girlfriend and going to an extra therapy session to try and refine them before meeting my girlfriend for a talk about if we were going to get back together. Because despite the crap I've dealt with from her, she actually is a very sweet girl who has a huge level of trauma herself that she has never tried to remedy, and the little girl inside is screaming for the love and safety that she never got as a kid.

Is Trauma a form of attachment? Is it a negative association to a memory? I don't know the exact words to use but I thought I'll give it a go.

Does this happen to anyone else? I know it's very common but it's been happening a lately. I've been doing predominantly Gestalt audio and I keep falling asleep right towards the end.