Today I was in the gym for my usual back day. Saw a couple of much bigger dudes on the bench that are all friends of mine (really friendly/nice lads, Idk you can be that friendly and nice, it honestly shocks me) So obviously I get distracted by the bench and have to attempt a pr (broke my previous pr 90kg for 2, but couldn't hit 95kg) But upon joking around with these dudes, I noticed that on the bench next time ours (we litreally only have 2 bench press benches in this gym) Came a group of my old childhood friends, and we met when we were younger through our parents (but since our parents had some breakage here and then the group was torn apart, or.. atleast my mum didn't want to be apart of it anymore) And so I hadn't really seen these guys that I used to play xbox, and toys with for years, and ESPECIALLY the adolescent teen years where I was 12-14 all the way to this day at 17. They had no idea. They had no clue on what transformation or how much I've changed. The trauma, the social rejection, the social comeback, the physique blow up, the building of my charisma. And so they were kinda perplexed by this, when I said hi, they (not to assume, not to judge, and to stay humble) Im guessing haven't gone through the same transition as I, let's call it from "boy to man" transformation. As they all had the usual teen bodies and mannerism of kinda shy, fluffy hair, skinny, not really directing the flow of the convo and kinda letting me lead and talk. And that kinda just made me realise how far I've come (although I'm far from perfect and I should compare myself to people better than me, not "lower" per say) No morale of story here, unless you can spot one lol Good night, Benji

This is really only applicable if you're out of the stage where the popular girls don't think of you as worthless skinny fat loser shit. E.g You're physically bigger, you've shown/demonstrated multiple times you're confident whether that be by answer the teacher's question in a interesting way with a confident voice, or joking around with mates, or being even "the main speaker" so you always say things first, you always initiate the conversations, so on and so forth. This is a mental shift I've made recently, kind of a "shower thought" now that I think of it (you know those insane or billion dollar thoughts you randomly get in the shower or on a walk?) And why I say this is a mental shift is because I still have some remnants of the old "shy and insecure, looked down upon by the popular "hot" girls me". Meaning, whenever a girl would say something to me, or not talk to me much, or not give eye contact, I'd automatically think that they have like a perfect sense of self, high self-esteem, confident and not like "worthless" old me. Another example would be when I was with a girl in one of my classes as a pair (teacher did some goofy ass pairing techniques: "choose someone in the room you've never talked to before" bruh wtf) And so this girl comes and sits next to me (although I have talked to her multiple times before). ;) but what really perplexed me time and time again about this girl, was her unpredictable nature, it was like she wanted to talk to me, but couldn't really. Like, saying something but not looking at me, looking at me, asking me something, hearing my response but not answering that and swapping to doing something completely different. All very kinda fast paced. Until after I made this mental shift, I realised the ENTIRELY POSSIBLE AND PROBABLY REALISTIC realisation that, oh shit. What if she's shy? I mean. Look at me. Hench af. Dressed smart. Loud and confident in the classroom. Shit. I mean. I'd be scared of me? If I was a girl? ??

Today I had a break where there weren’t any close friends to hang out with, Admittedly though, with full humility, there were a still a couple of friends I could've hanged out with that were playing catch with a ball but before they played catch I actually talked to them briefly, and I’m not sure what was up, But somehow none of words land at all, they give me eye contact and hear my words but don't respond. This happens every once in a while, and I think it has something to do with how present I am/ feeling in the situation. E.g you know that feel you sometimes get that is just like tired/ your on autopilot/ mellowed out/ you’re kinda walkin about in like a dream state and nothing seems real? Idk might just be me. So? Knowing if I follow them, it might not end up the best interaction and wont incur any normal respect from them. What do I do? With no other friends available other than those? I walk to my local park and try out its cafe for the first time in ages (last time I was there was prolly a year ago with my mum + there was a cute barista girl) so had to check it out aye? Break the comfort zone a lil. Seeing they sell matcha, thought Id give it a try, (no barista girl unfortunately) walked around with the matcha in hand, with prolly the nicest breeze and sunshine/ shade combination. Sat and did some mindfulness breathing techniques whilst sipping on my matcha on a bench looking over the big playground of park. And thought at the time, damn this is actually so relaxing wtf, I could probably bring a potential girlfriend here for a mini date. So, I guess the moral here is, next time you find yourself with no friends or in a shitty state or feeling mellowed out and not present. Try an adventure like this aye? Green trees, birds chirpin’, air inhaling mindfulness technique., with some icy matcha. Also that reminds me, literally the lesson after this “adventure” I felt fully present, jokes with the people on my table and all, full control. Something to think about.