Do you love yourself? And this bullshit lol

Phillip Liao

Jul 8 in General discussion

Have you found your 'inner peace?'

Do you feel like you are 'worthy?'

Do you love yourself?

As the title suggests, I think this is one of the most harmful ideas to mental health. I think it's fucking stupid.

End post.

Just kidding. Of course I'm going to explain why. In two reasons. So buckle in, my friend.

Reason 1 - Do we even know what love is?

Love is an overused word in English. I 'love' that. I 'love' this shoe. I 'love' this shirt. The same word is used to describe 'love' for a family member. 'Love' for a friend. As well as 'love' for your spouse.

On a gravitas level - how could you possibly equate the 'love' for a shirt to 'love' for a child?

You can't. But a simple explanation would be, the 'love' being described is different. Which is fair enough, right?

To me, not really. Because you can just say I 'like' that shirt. Or I 'like' that shoe.

In Cantonese (my mother tongue), the word 'love' is rarely used to anything other than the most SERIOUS relationships - like family, close friends and relationships. It is not common dialogue to say 'I love my shoe.'

Similarly, many people use the word 'love' as a descriptor for what they feel. But... your feeling changes from time to time, does it not? There are days when you don't feel the heightened sense of fervor for your spouse. Do you still love them? Or do you love them less? Or do you not love them at all?

What happens when you fight and you do NOT like your spouse? Do you not love him/her in that moment?

So for me, 'love' cannot be an adjective of a feeling. Because how you feel will change. Love is a powerful word. It should be ABOVE the fluctuations of a feeling.

What is it then? Love is a verb. It is an ACTION word. This meaning works best because you can choose to love someone regardless of how you might feel. But as a verb, what does it mean?

For me, to love someone is to always want what's best for them, many times at the expense of yourself. This is love in its' highest form.

It is to place someone above your own needs, like fathers and mothers do for their children. This is love in action.

So then when you hear the phrase 'do you love yourself?', the question is really - are you putting in the ACTIONS to do what's best for yourself? Are you pushing yourself to grow? Are you looking after your health? It has nothing to do how you 'feel' about yourself. Loving yourself is taking action to do what's BEST for you. Irrespective of whether you 'feel good' about it or not.

Most people attach 'love' to something they 'feel good' about. If you ask yourself that question, every hour in a day, there'll be at LEAST 1-2 instances where you might not. And then other instances where you do. It is so fickle. So weak. And usually makes people worse than better.

Reason 2 - Self-Consciousness Creates Problems

To me, we can only have two focuses. Internal or external focus.

Internal, you focus on yourself. Your thoughts. Your body. Your life. It's all about you.

External, you focus on the external. You might focus on driving on the road. The conversation with another person. Helping another person.

Whenever you ask yourself questions like - 'how am I feeling right now?' and 'Do I love myself?' You are placing your focus on yourself.

Is this a bad thing?

Not necessarily. You do need to do an internal audit every once in a while.

But that's the key. Every ONCE IN A WHILE.

If you do it ALL the time, you are 100% going to catch yourself feeling not so good. But this is normal, as self-consciousness (especially high amounts) is linked to negative self-assessment.

Let me repeat that part. High self-consciousness is linked to negative self-assessment.

When you focus on yourself all the time, you are MORE likely to have a negative view of yourself. But there mightn't be anything fucking wrong with you. You've just thought about yourself too much.

So what's the fix?

The opposite. Get out into the world. Shift your attention to solving problems for yourself and others. Be a valuable contributor to other people's lives.

Be that person and you'll find yourself feeling pretty good (if you do decide to check in with yourself).

My conclusion:

Asking whether you love yourself creates more problems for you because of two simple reasons above. There's probably many more reasons why it's a shitty question (and causes shitty responses).

Stop asking yourself this stupid question and I guarantee you won't feel the shitness that comes with it.

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