I have been sick for the last 5 days with the most serious of colds... Influenza A. So this is my attempt to 'demonstrate' some level of productivity. Even when I lied in bed with a resting heart rate of 80bpm (my normal range is 45-50), I struggled to let myself simply 'rest.' In my own feverish state, I was telling myself... 'Even though I'm sick, I can still think of ideas! That's still working!' This was at 3am, when I could feel my heartbeat in my skull, and I had to wipe sweat off my body every 5 minutes. Somehow, I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up a few hours later, head still throbbing, shirt drenched, I woke up to the 'dream' of missing my alarm for work. Despite turning off my alarm the day before, my body was still conditioned to 'waking up' at 4:30am to make sure I get to work on time. Years ago, I used to think this was a good thing. It was a 'badge' of some sort to never miss a day at work. And to be able to 'turn up' even when I was tired. Now that I'm 31, I realise the futility of this thinking. Because overall, I've been sick for almost 9 weeks in a row. I first started feeling sick mid May. I am about to finish my medication by the end of July. It is this exact mentality - the attachment to productivity, that is getting my body into trouble. I am by no means old, don't get me wrong. I am physically fitter than most people in this world. But even I have pushed my own needle too far - to the point where for the first time in my life... I was concerned for my body. Most of us in this group are 30s+, and some of us rely on our bodies for income. For me, I am a coach and a lot of my work involves teaching movement. My physical health is almost directly proportional to my ability to generate income. So I am incredibly sensitive to the perils of ill physical health. My job isn't even heavily physical either. I just teach and move around all day. I don't ever lift anything heavy. There are people out there doing physical labour as their main work.

I had just finished training last night. It was a great session. I left on a high, ready to head home and 'chill'. Instead, when I turned on my engine, I heard a grinding noise. What the hell? I rolled the car a bit more. Still. A grinding noise. Oh shit. I think my tire's flat. I quickly park my car off to the side. Lo and behold - my front tire was flat. Disbelief flashed in my heart. Oh man. Of all times? Okay, now I've got a flat tire - what next? Well - I've got to change it. Do... you know how to change a tire, Phil? Yes, I do. And I have. But that was at LEAST 8 years ago. So the correct answer is... 'yes', with the addition of 'but I don't remember.' Here I am in the carpark at 8pm, freezing cold, standing in my Muay Thai shorts, wondering how the hell I'm going to get home. I open my trunk and grab my spare tire, as well as my toolkit. Okay, I have the tools. I just don't have the knowledge. Where do I find the knowledge? YOUTUBE! I open my phone. Let's do this, Youtube. Oh wait, I've got 15% battery left. Shibal (that's fuck, in Korean). I google 'Honda Civic 2017 tire change' - and a 5 minute video comes up. Bitch, I ain't got 5 minutes on my phone. I'm on 15%. But it's got 100k views so maybe it's helpful. I watch the first 2 minutes. I'm down 1%. She's speaking so slow that it irritates me. Fuck this. Let's call my dad and see what he says. Me: Hey dad, my tire is flat. Dad: Okay. ... Dad: Do you know how to fix it? Me: Er... kinda? Dad: okay try. call me back if you don't have an issue. Me: yeah mad, thanks. -end call- Alright, it's me and youtube. I feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. It's a surge of energy. Let's solve this problem, my body is telling me. I breathe a few breaths. I sense my mind clear. Okay, let's try youtube again but this time, give it 2 minutes. So I do. I start to see how it works. Wait - I can do this. I start unscrewing the tire nail things. Oh - this is easier than I thought. I start raising the car with the jack.

Have you found your 'inner peace?' Do you feel like you are 'worthy?' Do you love yourself? As the title suggests, I think this is one of the most harmful ideas to mental health. I think it's fucking stupid. End post. Just kidding. Of course I'm going to explain why. In two reasons. So buckle in, my friend. Reason 1 - Do we even know what love is? Love is an overused word in English. I 'love' that. I 'love' this shoe. I 'love' this shirt. The same word is used to describe 'love' for a family member. 'Love' for a friend. As well as 'love' for your spouse. On a gravitas level - how could you possibly equate the 'love' for a shirt to 'love' for a child? You can't. But a simple explanation would be, the 'love' being described is different. Which is fair enough, right? To me, not really. Because you can just say I 'like' that shirt. Or I 'like' that shoe. In Cantonese (my mother tongue), the word 'love' is rarely used to anything other than the most SERIOUS relationships - like family, close friends and relationships. It is not common dialogue to say 'I love my shoe.' Similarly, many people use the word 'love' as a descriptor for what they feel. But... your feeling changes from time to time, does it not? There are days when you don't feel the heightened sense of fervor for your spouse. Do you still love them? Or do you love them less? Or do you not love them at all? What happens when you fight and you do NOT like your spouse? Do you not love him/her in that moment? So for me, 'love' cannot be an adjective of a feeling. Because how you feel will change. Love is a powerful word. It should be ABOVE the fluctuations of a feeling. What is it then? Love is a verb. It is an ACTION word. This meaning works best because you can choose to love someone regardless of how you might feel. But as a verb, what does it mean? For me, to love someone is to always want what's best for them, many times at the expense of yourself. This is love in its' highest form. It is to place someone above your own needs, like fathers and mothers do for their children. This is love in action.

I was watching a movie called 'The Old Guard' with my girlfriend the other day. The movie is about a group of people who are immortal (no spoilers there), haha. One of the immortals is faced with a terrible fate - she is captured and locked in the depths of the ocean. Drowning to death, then reviving, only to drown again. Despite being 'immortal,' she has a fate worse than death. She experiences the pain of dying, every few minutes, for eternity. I wondered to myself - if I was in her position, I think I'd much rather just die. I suppose it's similar to the torture practices of waterboarding, where you face near death, only to be given the relief of air, just so you can go through the same painful practice. Metaphorically speaking, I think many people live a variation of this, although nowhere near that uncomfortable. Many people live two very different lives. The first, is what they do in the outside world. What they do as their job, their relationships, and their hobbies. The second, is what they do in their internal world. What they fantasise about 'being' or 'doing' one day. What they'd rather be doing. Who they'd prefer to be. I believe the further away your internal world is from your external world, the greater your struggle will be. In a metaphorical sense - you are drowning. You are drowning in either the external world or the internal, neither is more 'beneficial' than the other. You can have a good 'external' life but your internal world could be trash. These people are the types who might have good money, a property, and 'appear' successful. But on the inside, they dread their relationships, they hate going to work and they tell themselves its all 'worth it' because 'look at what I have.' On the other end of the spectrum, you might have a great 'internal' life but your external world could be trash. These are the types of people who are 'content' with themselves and 'feel great' but have nothing on the outside. This in itself is not a 'bad' thing. However, if you have people who rely on you in some capacity, like kids, parents or even just friends - then 'being content' with yourself whilst you are not able to look after those around you is going to cause friction at some point.

I was training my lower body today, but I'm not a bodybuilder. This got me thinking... Most people who go to the gym think that going to the gym means you are a bodybuilder. This is because of the bodybuilding boom some decades ago, where statue-like beings like Arnold and Ronnie Coleman popularised the idea of going to the gym for getting aesthetic. However, there's many other reasons for going to the gym. A lot of older people don't go to the gym because they're interested in 'looking jacked.' A lot of them go to the gym because they want to preserve their strength, keep the muscle they have, and to keep their brains stimulated. Some other people go to the gym because they NEED to go to manage their condition. For example, Type 2 Diabetics can use exercise as a means to regulate their blood sugar levels. No seriously, it's just as effective as insulin in many of these people. For myself, I go to the gym because I like to maintain my strength and power. I also like the way it makes me feel. Much of my success in life has been attributed to my weekly commitment to training. I bring this up because some of you might be doing something for a reason that doesn't exactly appeal to you. For example, some of you might be going to the gym, training to get 'bigger' because you thought that's what going to the gym meant. But what if I told you that there were other reasons that would resonate more with you? What if I told you that you could go to the gym because your kids are watching you pack your gym bag, or even better, watching your body change? What if I told you that you go to the gym, because it helps you understand more of your own emotions? What if I told you that you go to the gym, because you need to outwork the part of you that's unwilling to break free of his limits? So many times, people become disenchanted with what they're doing because they haven't fully aligned themselves to their cause. If you're trying to make a lot of money, choose a job that makes you a lot of money. This could be different to what you truly feel like you want to do. That is a trade off.