In an update of the professional conflict recently, after the discussion the individual threatened to abruptly cut the entire project we are on. I grew quite panicked thinking that I would most certainly be kicked out and have to find a job in another continent. But it looks like things are not so dire. For one looks like he can't stop the project, and either way I'll be OK. As a matter of mental health and well being and cutting out addictions, it does seem lowering my working hours is an important thing to focus on the first few months. At the same time, it seems, of the three motivations Dan mentions in his video on the topic, my primary one is Impact and second Security, and 1) Having become jaded with academia, it feels most of the available topics are either useless or harmful. I do have a line of work that is genuinely good, towards research and innovation for Agroforestry in Africa. However I haven't been able to acquire funding for it, it's difficult to acquire funding for such things, and without it I am limited as far as how much time I can spend on this line of work. In general I see the appropriate mindset of doing what it takes while accepting the probability is low of my ever having positive impact on the world with math. But it is a very amotivating pill to swallow 2) Simultaneously I should perform research and submit papers that are broadly associated with formal projects, as well as more general theoretical work. Indeed this is what effectively pays me. I do try to orient them towards generic theoretical tools and algorithms that could assist the Agroforestry research, but that is clearly limited. 3) At the same time, given how difficult it is to acquire funding, and my own real income hasn't changed for the last 10 years, I really need to become more financially independent. With that, in the near future, become more of a scientific software developer and do more commercial activity as far as licensing the software, doing SaaS, consulting, etc. in that respect. In the longer term, I'd like to become self sufficient living on my own at a self-developed AI-automation-enhanced homestead somewhere deep in a forest. This would require manual skills, being a technician, etc. that would also be fun to acquire.

... and life avoidant, looking for employment. How does that headline grab the next employer out there. I'm currently unemployed and coming off ACC(nz government health insurance) in two months, with no desire to go back to anything where I'm resenting life and just out right disrespecting myself. I'm wondering if I could ever grow into anything like this latest vacancy that I came across. Wishing once again that I had these attributes. And wondering how much growth it would take and where I would even start. Better yet. What's the next right step for me today. Do I even want to do one of these jobs or am I just intrigued by the man that I'd need to be to do it. Knowing that I'm not today, at this moment. And that that is exactly what it missing and yearning inside of me. Or maybe it's just that I'm always feeling inadequate to the world, when the world probably doesn't even care. And I just need to be enough for myself, so ultimately I just don't think I'm enough or feel enough, or ever have. So maybe I just need to figure out how to do some of these things or grow along some of these lines to prove to myself that I can, and remove doubt. Don't know unless I try I guess.

I've been chasing the gold pot at the end of the rainbow. Looking to attain financial success. So, the last several years have been devoted to that. After hitting the above goal, things didn't change on the inside. It's this huge 'hole' inside that money isn't filling. Neither are other outward successes. @Daniel Munro shared a keen insight, about being 'at peace' on the inside regardless of what happens on the outside. It's based on Stoicism and living one's life on rational thinking, not the fantasies going on in our minds. It's working on one's mind and seeing reality and nature as it is, without judging. Its a tall order, and I'm far from it. As shared in an earlier note, I sabotage success and then climb out of it (Feeling unworthy of success probably causes it, and not knowing how to handle success). I then spent the next few months /years climbing out of the hole, I dug myself into. I've been working on getting myself out of the last self-sabotage trades. This time, I want to interrupt the pattern and walk away while 'all is good'. I realize that I've been addicted to flashbacks and negative emotions of feeling helpless and put myself in these situations , with persons to relive these emotions. This also is to be stopped. Journalling., reflecting on these patterns and making notes on how to handle them next time, help with changing the behaviour the next time. 'An unexplained Life is not worth living' - Ralph Walden So, I decided to go by what lights me up. It's building a personality-based business around writing, speaking. I used to run a overseas recruitment business for several years Pre-COVID. I plan to restart this business, this time with more personality, content and a business plan that will allow me freedom and flexibility to work with who I want to work with, When I want to work with, and Where I want to work with. This is a pre-cursor to the 'real goal' that I'm shit scarred to attempt. That's building a personal brand lifestyle business. That starts as a free newsletter talking about issues mid-lifers like me have around life. I don't know if I am ready to start it. I have been thinking of this for 5 years or more.

As I proced with my program of speaking up for myself, saying no, negotiating, I sometimes wonder: how to be clear in my position. How can I know what's true perception of right / wrong in a situation, and what is my patterns / damage running me (projection)? At the moment, from my time in Brojo particularly, and my years in 12 step recovery, my best guess answer is my values are the best guide I have. I am still working on that though too, my values used to he:hide, pretend all us OK, comfort, stability, niceness....niw I am working on being more conscious about my values, and valuing some things like change! I guess the whole constellation of my pschye is beibgvrecwoeked, so that flux may make it harder to feel certain in situations. I stop now and think "what would a confident person do?" and the values that come on line to support that are different from my old self defensive nice guy ones....to act as a courageous person, I have to value short sharp pain for long term gain, instead of the old short term ease leading to long term pain.

Hey guys, there was no recording for today's session (coachee request), however the video, audio and chat box recordings for previous calls are available in the Dropbox folder. Password is in your email. Thanks to Andrew for allowing us to explore the loss of direction and purpose that comes from taking the path of least resistance too often. Notes from the call are in the members only email. Extra resources that back up our discussion: - The 3X Confidence Course is the most relevant for a deeper dive into this topic. - The dangerous path of least resistance - Fear of being wrong Message or email me if you won't make it and want questions answered, and let me know if you're keen for the hot seat (next is Slava). Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/82202610772 NEXT CALL TIME: