Vulnerable check in · VERITAS 21

Vulnerable check in

I did not feel like it… the old programming was SCREAMING today… I wanted to get high. I wanted to the hell out of my environment. I was a doll to start this day off… nah… I started today off in fight or flight.

Today challenged me… today felt like an emotionally and mentally very challenging day. Anger and defensiveness, every little trigger felt huge.

I felt like a shit mom. I could not come out of it, I couldn’t connect to what I was grateful for. I had all the energy to lose my shit and none to show up for myself. Wtf… but I knew what I needed to do.

I paused, took tea and a blanket to a chair and sat. I dropped into my body… that’s a huge win for me!! My body told me everything that was going on. Thanksgiving, historically is a very triggering weekend for me. My alcoholic father had major heart attacks 2 thanksgivings in a row, the year previous to those was a minor heart attack. I won’t get into the whole story. My relationship with my dad wasn’t great, but thanksgiving (despite the heart attack trauma) was always good memories…

I was suppressing other hurts too. I sat and I cried for a few minutes, meditating on safety in my body. For a female… I haven’t been very good at that… and then, I felt liberated from a lot of the survival instincts my day started with.

I showed up for me today, and I am proud of myself for that. These are the days I normally spiral. I didn’t smoke weed to regulate, I knew that was a bandaid. I’m really proud of that too.

Just cooking supper and 16oz of water left to my water goal today.

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